Flabbergast

Superexcressence

53

53

Schnozz Dossier

Schnozz dossier

“Faster than a bolt of Lighting” is how Schnozz was referred to by witnesses who saw the little guy sprint up and down the henhouse all day long. “It’s amazing how fast that little dog can run!” said Jamal, 12, who couldn’t believe his eyes when Schnozz retrieved a tennis ball forty yards away and returned in under seven seconds.

 Local council members, unnerved by the dogs high rate of speed, have voted unanimously to pass a bylaw preventing animals from running so fast. “No animal should be travelling at such a velocity.” Said Councilman Gregory Hirscheim. Other council members noted the nearby presence of an elderly care facility, which could be damaged in the case of Schnozz or any other animal taking a wrong turn and colliding with the facility.

Schnazzes owner, Roger Flomb, disagrees with the resolution, and argues that there  is little chance of such a collision ever taking place, though he has no factual evidence to back up his claims.

 

Superexcressence

Superexcressence

Swaziland

Swaziland

Swazilands Nocturnal gardens run the long stretch through the wastes of Mardmar,  from Huksa to al Mamar. There one can indulge in a rich tapestry of frozen delicious treats, manufactured by the locals Roomba tribe using secret recipies, kept alive since the last ice age, when sugar beetles were still common in the limestone carverns that feed the river Mudgema.  Do not tempt the locals with offerings of cola or they will become unhealthily aroused, and it can get dangerous.

Pembina

Pembina

If you feel as though your child is not experiencing the same quality of life standards as you did when you were young, you are not alone. Children’s playrooms are not so childlike anymore. Edible toys are made with  fluoride based tap water, and this has affected the nutritional value signifigantly. and is the proven source of increased irritability among children aged 2- 9. To blame are lax labour standards in Taiwan, where most edible toys are produced, as well as increased occurrences of bovine spongiform encephalitis amongst animals used in the rendering process of manufacturing. Call your representative now and let them know that your child deserves better. 

Schnargarden

Schnargarden

The Cracker Jack company has finally formally announced it’s much belated rebranding as a global distributer in corn ethanol based fertilizer and environmentally friendly herbicides and pesticides.  In 1999 Merle Lancaster, then CEO, made the brash decision to purchase 520,000 hectares of arable land in central Swaziland.  After several years of bitter land disputes that were eventually settled with the assistance of Mossad, The Cracker Jack company had soon tripled Swazilands GDP,  and within the jurisdiction of  Huhka unemployment had dropped to an astonishing -11%. Surprisingly, All Swazi employees are happily paid in Cracker Jacks, which is functional as a legal tender as far west as the Congo, and even in certain regions of Chad, where Cracker Jacks can be traded for cigarettes, irish spring, orange soda, and light artillery. 

Blurble

Blurble

Gearing up to world war II, the Japanese emperor had hired a Canadian private and jazz music aficionado to train the royal Kyoto marching bands.  After pearl harbour, Private Alan Greenspan (coincidence) was never heard from until sent aboard the American Frigate Glorinado with instructions to assassinate everybody on board. Private Greenspan was armed only with his oboe and possessed by the firm belief that he could kill by playing the correct combination of chords. Suffice to say.